God, I am scared.

I do not know what the future holds for me.

I can’t see past all these trials and mixed signals.

My emotions and ideas are confusing me.

Please hold my hand, don’t let go of me.

God, I am scared.

Why I Left

3:06 am

And I’m still wide awake.  As usual.

I am a certified insomniac. Maybe, it is due to the fact that I don’t have to wake up early to work tomorrow and I have the liberty to sleep anytime I want, at any given day. And so I decided to write. For me, the wee hours of the morning are the best time to write since everybody is asleep and quiet. My mind loves the gift of solitude so much.

It’s been a month since I resigned from my job. I’ve wanted to do that for a long time but the voice of pride is taunting my mind to prove to myself that I’m not a quitter. And there is also the voice of sanity that is crying out for my immediate help. It’s like having two best competing teams inside my head, trying to prove their point or their worth.  There’s also this cold, clammy feeling coating my heart with uncertainties like where will I go or what will happen if my plan won’t work out. What if I’m wrong with what I think is right? And the warm, liberating feeling of having a choice to do so. Two opposing temperatures that are equally strong..

Perhaps, what they say about the universe wanting to be noticed is true. Or maybe, I want the universe to notice me.

Although a heart can be deceiving a lot of times, the universe listens to it. I can hide or deny what my heart desires, but it sneaks out of my mind and do what it wants. Sometimes, it can grow really strong and adamant, even the smartest mind can’t control. It sent out signals to the universe about its own wishes, struggles and even fears and questions. And voilà! The universe, always wanting to be noticed, presents me with circumstances and situations.

I have a very strong sense of respect to the heart. I have proven its strength a lot of times. Even  as a girl, I have received its power. Thus, I believe that when you want something really, really bad, to the point that your heart bleeds for it, the universe conspires to give it to you. Maybe not all the time, but most of the time. Maybe this is why a heart is not made of bones and crystals or glasses. So that it can’t be broken. Maybe, torn into pieces but eventually regenerates on its own. Because it knows it has a purpose. To be my strong guide.

I have reached a certain point in my life when I hated waking up in the morning, thinking how dreadful a particular day will be. My day is an endless routine of always running after someone, some goal, some plan, some expectations, some deadline, some form of security, some responsibility, some things to prove, etc. (Although I am pretty aware that I signed up for this.) I hated what I have become: a hateful person. I complain a lot. I judge people based on what I perceived to be as good or bad. I hate eating in haste and not being able to appreciate the good food because I am always in a hurry. I hate the unfavorable circumstances that affects my sense of self-esteem. I hate not being able to enjoy my week ends. I hate being of service to other people and a stranger to my family. I cannot give what I don’t have and so I can’t love the people around me if I can’t even afford to love myself. I hate getting a little for giving so much. Time and luck is working against me. It was also a time when I am so confused about who I was and what I was here for.

My concerns may seem to be so trivial to some people but not being able to know what am I and why I am here for means the world to me.

Until a friend asked me a very simple question: “Cris, are you even happy now? (paraphrased, sorry friend!) I wanted to scream in his face. Inside, I am yelling with thoughts like: “You think?! Can’t you see I’m a total mess?”. But instead, I keep quiet. Knowing that he had asked me a very good question, because the question itself is obviously, the answer.

Letting go is oftentimes the hardest decision to make but also the most rewarding.

To quote Chris Assaad, “As been said many times before, it is not the goal itself we are really after, but how we will FEEL when we get there. It is not the soulmate that we really want, but the experience of love, connection, and intimacy that we will be able to share with them. It is not the job itself that we are after, but the sense of accomplishment and security that will come with it. It is not the shiny award that we really desire, but the feeling of being enough and the validation of our ability that it represents. And the great mystery of life and the spiritual path is that all of those feelings are available to us RIGHT NOW, not out there but deep within us.

And so it is with PEACE.”

I have no road map right now. To be honest, I am completely lost. But I know that my heart is happy and at peace. Happy and at peace because it gets what it wants: to be free and to  be still.

And so I enjoy waking up slowly each morning. I enjoy not knowing what day or time it is. I enjoy leisurely eating a simple meal. I enjoy a worry free day. I enjoy watching people and the kids at play. I enjoy thinking only about myself and my needs. I enjoy having coffee with friends without hurrying. I enjoy just being with myself in slow motion.

I pray to God that He may continually bless me with this gift of being at peace with myself. And may my strength be always greater than my worst fears. Maybe life may not guarantee me of a better tomorrow, but I do hope that it offers me the opportunity to be stronger and an even better person to withstand its tests.

“When we stop resisting what we don’t want to feel and embrace the state that we are in, we move through whatever it is SO much faster to find our way back to truth and clarity.” -Michael Eisen

Disclaimer: The statements or opinions expressed on this site are my own and do not represent those of whom I am affiliated with.