Why Can’t I Just Die, Mom?

Tonight, I hear my silent screams of hopelessness again.

Why did this life choose me?
Will I ever be happy?
Will I marry and have some kids someday?
Will I be able to live a life of purpose?

Questions asked by a selfish person like me.

When I think of the future, tears start to fall,
I still can’t understand why fate is difficult to change.
I tried, really hard to glance up in the sky,
Trying to catch even just a ray of light.
But the dark clouds, stubborn as I am,
Refuses to let me have even just a grain of hope.

When others are perhaps scared and crying,
I am fighting by myself,
Not trying to stop —
Always trying to look for words, sentences that might encourage myself.
But I do grow weary too.
Trying to fight my weaknesses and self doubt.
Trying to fight myself.
I don’t have the strength anymore.

Sometimes, I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I am afraid.
I am hurt.
I feel unloved.
I feel unwanted.

I tried searching for a warm hand.
To hold me, to walk with me.
But each pair of hands seemed busy.
Minding its own life.

Why did this life choose only those who are strong?
As if being weak is a curse?
Why did this life choose to go on?
When there is nowhere else to go.

Mom, why can’t I just die?