4 Years After

I suffered in silence. Denied justice to myself. Trying to help myself to crawl out of the dirt I’m helplessly in for a few years now. Yet I decided to forgive thinking I won’t be better off than those people who hurt me if I hurt them back.

Today, I am writing again to release this anger inside me. They bothered me again. And I couldn’t help but be dismayed by the fact that humans are intrinsically selfish. We cannot steer away from our evil ways.

A client/friend called me today to let me know that my sister in law has been trying to ask about me and if I’ve been visiting this client/friend of mine till now. She believed that my ‘ex’ husband left with some money in a bank account named after me after he left me for another woman. How was that?!

I feel so dumb-footed! Where did these people got the nerves to think and act this way? It maybe evil of me to wish that she should be on the same boat as I am so that she will know and realized what I feel and how she is making me feel. Jesus! Her brother left me for another woman while stripping me of everything that I have — pride, justice, self respect… Everything! And here she is, trying to shove her “mukhang pera” face to me. How come did these people continue to live without conscience? Why can’t they just rot in misery & die in vain? I curse this family! I curse his family! If I cannot give justice to myself, surely, Karma will gladly do the favor for me.

And I cannot help but still be appalled by the fact that humans are so selfish. I am a hairline away from filing a civil case to him.

Ugh! I maybe bloody right now, but I won’t bow my head in surrender.

Pain is Gain

I am still in search for the person who loves pain. There are the masochists, ofcourse, but I don’t consider them sane. So I guess I am still in search for the sane person who loves pain.

Pain is unpopular. Because of the kind of feeling it brings. It is unwanted, unwelcomed, unpleasant.

But pain is a friend, a help. In health, pain works as a signal that something is wrong with our body. It reminds us to be careful of our health all the more.

Pain is beautiful. Like birthpains. It gives us a new beginning, a new hope. It is an expression and manifestation of love.

And the pain that we dreaded the most — heartaches, death, sickness, failure, etc.

Heartache. This one paralyzes me for three years. It breaks me. It misleads me. It consumes me and my dreams. It is a very unpleasant, excruciating feeling. I know I am alive, but I feel like I’m died already.

When in pain, I begin to question, doubt and loose hope. I see nothing but darkness. feel nothing but betrayal, angst and depression. It leaves me asking the unendless questions of why me, why did it happen, what did I do to deserve it.

Sometimes when my families and friends advice me to “let go/move on/ go on”, I stare at those meaningless words. How to do it? How to start it? Where to go? Can you give me clear steps on “How to really move on”?

Then I cry my heart out til there is nothing left to cry. I question God. I doubt yourself. I stare at nothingness. I cannot rely my happiness on what the future might bring. I feel that no matter what I do or what I have, everything is meaningless and futile.

But I realize that my life doesnt end where my pain begins. What appears to be the weakness in your life can be use by God to bless many others.

Even with the help of time, sometimes some of my questions are still left unanswered. But I guess sometimes, it’s not the answer that really matters. Sometimes, it is who I become and what I chose to do while undergoing the process of healing. It is in knowing how big my heart can be, big enough to accomodate forgiveness. With the gift of acceptance, I realize how meaningless the angst and hatred had become. I am surprised too by the amount of strength I have, by the many good friends I truly have, by the loving families I have forsaken, by the realization of my equally important dreams and goals. I have learned to value the pain of other people too. No matter how big or small their pain is, it is still pain.

And maybe, that is why, a heart is made of human flesh. Not of a sturdy bone, or a fragile glass or a chargeable battery. Because in time, it can heal itself.

And you will see that there is beauty in pain.

Little by little.

I was able to win back my smile again.

Step by step.

I am whole again from my being broken..